Daughters to daughters in law- Part Two

Lately I've been thinking a lot on what it means to be a daughter in-law and a mother in-law. While I will not have children in the foreseeable future, one can always wonder what the future will bring. And I'm more than determined that I will be a cool mother in-law.

I suppose when a new person enters any household, a bit of apprehension from both parties is unavoidable. For the newbie, fear of the unknown plays havoc in her mind. The key is to go with an open mind. But after all, this is much easier said than done. What we all do wrong is expect the worse. At everything we do in life, we worry about the worst. If we have just sat for an exam, we worry that we might have failed. You get the drift. So as practiced through out life, we go into marriage wondering whether we will be accepted, whether we will be loved, whether the in-laws will be good, whether the husband will the same as he was in the relationship stage.

Sri Lankans love to give advice. And many which are given to a prospective bride just before her wedding are not very sunny. I have met many a bride ashen just by hearing the non-welcome and indeed unasked for pre-wedding advice from well meaning aunties. These more often than not run along the lines of " Don't share everything with the husband" " He will change, they all do, you know" "Don't tell your family secrets to him" "Keep your own money" "All mothers in-law are bad, fortunately only I had the chance to get a good one". blah blah blah

Why on earth for a change can they not say " you will have a fabulous wedded life!" " Share all and sundry with him!" " He will change, but only for the better" " you must always share your happiness, sorrows and all your money".

Thus, brides go into the new family dead scared of what is to come. What they should be prepared for is the fact that all families are different from one another. Just as no two individuals are not the same, neither are two families. Families have different quirks. Your mother might cook every meal at home, but his family might eat out every night. Maybe people in your family do their own chores, but his family has three maids. Maybe you are a neat freak. But they are messy. Or vice versa. Maybe you are an only child, but he has four siblings. Thus all families are fundamentally different from one another. This basic fact and the fact that you are very very different from your intended spouse ( after discounting the obvious similarities that drew you together) are what a new bride needs to know. Not what to do with her money. That I'm sure every couple will figure out on their own at some point.

I am by no means a marriage expert. And I have been married only for a very short period of time. But the points which I laid down are ones that I wish I had thought of before I got married. I'm married to a wonderful man, but I must confess that after all the unwelcome advice I entered into marriage a little prejudiced. Only later I realised my prejudices and that the basis for a good marriage is understanding the differences and finding middle ground. This is so for a married couple and between you and your in-laws.

Because, you will expect to get everything you got when you were at home, but this might not happen. You will expect to be loved just the same way that you were before married. People are different. They might not show you their appreciation. But inside they also want to be loved by their new daughter/sister in-law. They also want to be appreciated.

Being a wife and a daughter in-law is a two way street. You have to give to receive. People, in the end are fundamentally good. Try to find that goodness. You are after all, with the man you love who is there because of his parents.