The rut

Hi there...

Remember I said darling left the country? It's been two months now.. I have moved in with my parents. I also have a little secret growing in my belly. :)

I also have exams which started last week and will drag on till mid-December.

But here's the deal. My getup and go has disappeared. I'm usually a very upbeat, bubbly person. Nothing can keep me down for long. But now, nothing seems to work. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should see a shrink. I don't know..

For a while I cried a lot, day and night, and my parents got worried. So I stopped that. Now it's just nothing. Just blank and empty. I stare into my books, not seeing anything. I watch my favourite tv programmes, and I don't remember the story later. Music doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Hours go by and I don't remember what I did or what I thought. It's just one big blank.

I can't tell darling, he's thousands of miles away, and has enough on his plate as it is. I can't tell my parents, they worry too much. I can't tell my sister, she jut got married and well, why on earth should I be selfish to disturb her happiness? I can't tell my friends, they've all go their lives going on and I really don't want to be a pain.

So, as bad as it is, that leaves you. The last thing you need is to hear my miseries bestowed (for the lack of a better word) upon you.

Am I going crazy?

Being selfish

I sometimes want to do selfish things and say selfish things.

I sometimes want to say things like "No one loves you more than I do, no one else would let you go like I did"

Sometimes I want to say "Don't hang out with your friends, stay with me instead".

But then I remember that if no one loves him as much as I do, then I wouldn't say those things. Because if I said them, my love would be meaningless.

It is hard sometimes to remember that love should be about giving. We are in such a world that reminds us everyday to puff our own egos that we forget true giving. We forget that it's not always about us.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself. Over and over again.

What do fish eat?

So I was at the hospital waiting for the doctor to come.

You know how most hospitals have gigantic fish tanks everywhere? There was one right next to me and a little boy about three years old and his father were looking at the fish.

Suddenly the kid goes " Thaththi.. What do fish eat? Don't they get hungry?"

Dad says " People give them food kiddo, they don't go hungry"

kid: "aaaaahhhh... "

Thinks for a moment and says " Ah that's good neh thaththi.. So easy for them.."

Dad: "Why putha?"

Kid: "They can eat and drink water also.. ".


I almost fell out of my chair.